Erin and I decided to try out the pay per view movies that are available on our DVR for the first time tonight. We had to choose between seven movies about people getting disemboweled or decapitated and about 10 involving killer puppets or Eddie Murphy dressed as Norbit. So we settled upon Miss Potter, which we thought might be a pleasant british comedy/drama.
We were wrong.
Miss Potter is the tale of one woman's decent into madness. Her name is Renee Zellweger. She has clearly gone insane.
How did this happen? Remember Jerry MacGuire, where it was like they found a real, actual person and put her on screen next to what was left of Tom Cruise? She seemed so personable and down to earth. Now she is a babbling madwoman whose squinty anxious twittering around the screen makes Mr. Bean look subtle and nuanced.
Not only that, but this time she drags Ewan MacGregor and Emily Watson with her. Together, they manage to act like no human has ever acted before. There's some good english actors in this, and they do nice work, but when any one of these characters get on screen it's like you're watching a really bad play that some crazy people who thought they were british made up. Ewan MacGregor looks like he should be hunting Dudley Do-right and tying Nell to some train tracks. Emily Watson and her forehead look like she's hoping to get the part of the Leader in the next Hulk movie. And all three of them look like they've just gotten out of a wind tunnel and ran in the extreme cold before getting on set. Did they even have a make up person? Did someone look through the lens at some point? I mean, I'm a ruddy complexion guy myself, but they've really reached new heights of splotchiness in this film.
Erin did point out that Ewan McObiewan should have gotten an oscar for being able to pretend like he was falling in love with Renee as she "said" the line: "I have more delightful friends, like Mrs. Puddleduck, the most stupid duck the world has ever known." He smiles lovingly, and she returns the favor by giving him a tender "I'm about to pull out a kitchen knife and start stabbing like crazy" look.
I'm sure the goal of the movie was not to make me cringe in terror when I see Peter Cottontail, or Turtle Squirelegs or whoever, but there you have it. There's even a scene where she literally starts to lose her mind and her drawings come to life and try to run away fom her as she tears the papers up, leaving only Peter Cottontail's jacket hanging on a post, with evil crows flying all around it. Really? That's what your Beatrix Potter movies going to do?
Oh well, at least after 24 hours it deletes from my DVR. If only my brain were so lucky.
5 comments:
Hey! Where is Ewan McGregor's (not to be confused with Mr McGregor of Peter Rabbit fame) handlebar moustache? I see on the DVD cover he is sans moustache - maybe the producers thought it better to leave it off.
o drat, i thought there was some promise for me when i saw the poster at b.buster. but i should've known better. maybe beatrix was REALLY harry potter's aunt.
further, perhaps ewan felt some loyalty from that other movie they starred in together, the musical? something about love?
ok, this is it, i promise, but i'm thinking renee never fully recovered from the skirmish with Kenny "Nutkin" Chesney: you had me at goodbye.
Obviously, this is a show that appeals to the older, more degenerate mind! I do think Beatrice could have been better presented by an actress with more looks than happy and pouting in a crazed manner. If it had been ANNA NICOLE SMITH, at least Ewan's display of adoration would have seemed to have a basis, even if it had been lust. All that said, I liked the movie!
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