Let's pretend you're a producer of children's films and I walk into your office with an idea for a great new kids movie. I'd say, "Hey, I've got a great idea for a kid's movie. Here's how it would play out." And then I'd launch into my pitch.
First, we open on a happy young couple, who've just bought a new house and are celebrating the pending arrival of their babies. A giant fanged, horrifying monster instantly appears and eats the mom and the children. One baby survives, but he's got a "gimpy" arm.
After this trauma, the Dad becomes a nervous wreck, moves to a secluded new home and raises his injured child alone in fear and isolation.
The kid rebels from this lifestyle for 2 seconds, trying to show his Dad that the world is not a horrifying deadly place. As he does so, he is instantly grabbed by giant faceless men with loud breathing apparatus, placed into a bag, and is whisked away.
The mortified Dad then tries to follow the abductors, but the only person who offers to help him is a woman who has a mental illness akin to short term memory loss.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" You'd say, "This sounds like a terrifying movie"
Hold on, I'd say. At that point a giant monster with three rows of teeth appears and is driven insane with bloodlust when the mentally ill woman accidentally cuts herself. The monster chases them through an old abandoned submerged submarine surrounded by mines, which explode.
Meanwhile, the captured kid is put into a cell with other insane people, like a woman who talks to herself in the mirror.
By this point you would stop me and tell me to get out of your office, or point me to the horror movie producer down the hall.
Seriously, I think this movie actually shows that the Dad fish was right, the ocean is a terrifying place and you may get eaten or horribly mangled just by swimming out too far. Besides the pot smoking turtles, pretty much everyone else they came across on their trek were terrifying beasts intent on destroying or devouring them.
See horror movie-like photo evidence below.
